The Jobe Journal

Yes, that's Anna... Watch out!

Since Easter we have:

Christina turned 14!

Danced in a ballet recital

Celebrated Christina’s 14th birthday at Carowinds

Continued with church activities including youth, worship practice (Daniel), MOPS mentoring (me) and babysitting (girls) and hosting small group

Endured end-of-grade testing

Played in the end-of-year band concert

Celebrated Mother’s Day

Wrapped up co-op classes, including the two classes I taught

Secured a braces date for Nathan

Continued private music lessons and ballet

Delivered a few meals to friends recovering from illness

Continued with swim practice for Nathan

Cheered Anna on as she got her learner’s permit

Exercise myself with some consistency

Gone to Carowinds again!

Met with a planning team for some educational classes for next school year several times.

Cleaned out our attic (a huge undertaking for a busy month! But yeah! So glad it’s done before it’s too hot to work up there!)

Celebrated the graduates of our homeschool group

Rejoiced in the marriage of two dear friends

May events still to come:

A piano recital for Christina

A tonsillectomy for Nathan

A huge dance recital for Bethany and Anna

A birthday for Daniel’s

And then, finally, summer

For the past several years, May has been exceptionally busy. Every class has an end-of-the-year recital or party. We must test the children. Folks graduate. We celebrate. And I end the month a little tired but so thankful; thankful for the academic and spiritual growth of my children; thankful for our church family; thankful for teachers investing in my children’s lives; thankful for dear ones graduating; thankful for the blessings of homeschooling; thankful for God’s grace throughout another school year and thankful for the summer weeks ahead.

Grandall and Esther on Easter day

Excellent read… a must, I think, for parents striving to teach “1st time obedience.”

“The mature parent should consider the state of the child, his emotional needs, physical needs before meting out harsh discipline.

Formulas like “First Time Obedience” do not necessarily reach the heart!”

http://www.itakejoy.com/first-time-obedience-really/

I just finished an excellent little book – Loving the Little Years – Motherhood in the Trenches by Rachel Jankovic. Rachel is “in the trenches” with five children five years old and under. She writes from the perspective of a mommy with her sleeves rolled up and working hard – not from one kicked back after raising her children and reminiscing about the “good old days!” Having four girls and a son including a set of twins, she and I share a heart for mothering as well as very similar family dynamics. As she described many Jankovic scenarios, I was reminded of many Jobelette “in the trenches” days about a decade ago!

This little 102 page book contains twenty essays that address  the heart of the mother before anything else. There are no chore charts, meal plans or checklists. This may strike young mommies as odd. Don’t all parenting books contain tips from the experts to make life with so many munchkins more manageable? Consider this quote, which still  spoke conviction into my heart though my 5 under 7 are now 15 down to 8…

“When Scripture says to bring children up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, it is not talking about finding the most effective way to organize them. This is a very easy trap to fall in, because the more children you have the more difficult it is to keep them clean and clothed and fed. Just the basics of life are a full time job. … What you are doing is finding a way to contain your children, control them and keep their sin from making you look bad. But you are not actually dealing with anything. The fact that your children have learned to go with the household flow and do their chores does not in any way offset the fact that they spend all their available free time sulking in their room. Christian child rearing is a pastoral pursuit, not an organizational challenge. The more children you have, the more you need to be pastorally minded… If you are being a parent who is pastorally minded, you will stop whatever it is that you are doing to go see how your daughter is up in her bedroom.”

I call such bedroom checks “eternal time,” a term borrowed from a dear friend of mine. In taking time away from dinner prep, math homework or laundry, we’re focusing on the eternal living souls of our precious children. We are tending to our little lambs, making sure their hearts are ok. Eternal time can be terribly inconvenient – especially when there are lots of lambs to tend to and they are all hungry. Rachel makes the point that, if you are blessed to be the mother of many young ones, you must make special effort to see each child as an individual. Schedules and charts are fine and needed, but they can give a busy mother a false sense of security or success. Children quickly pick up that peace in the home matters more than peace in their spirit when the schedule is too highly valued. One observation that I have, as a mother of older children as well as a couple of littles, is that the older they are, the more eternal time they need. Teens and tweens don’t, by any means, have it “all figured out.” They also don’t go to bed at 8:00 allowing you to complete unfinished tasks. Thus, as the littles age, you get to sleep through the night which is wonderful, but you often have midnight counseling sessions Mothering gets easier in some ways and harder in others.

Rachel, in each of her essays, addresses the heart of the mother before the behavior or management of children. Unlike children, there is one thing that absolutely must be organized:

“The kids can be running like a bunch of hooligans through a house that appears to be at the bottom of a toaster, and yet, if organization and order can still be found in my attitude, we are doing well. But if my attitude falters, even in the midst of external order, so does everything else.”

I could not agree more. And that organized attitude starts with knowing where to find our peace!

Other topics you’ll read about in this little book are child training, the “bulk” effect (which comes with having many young ones at once), the physical scars of motherhood, little girl emotions, being “overwhelmed,” “me time,” and more! In reading it, I’ve been reminded of many “mothering in the trenches” moments, and I plan on sharing a few of them in the weeks to come.

If only Alexander had a blog....

I had an interesting conversation with a friend this evening at Panera about the false reality that blogging and social media creates. I’m afraid I’m guilty of contributing to this. I don’t want to write about “Tina and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.” When I write, it is my goal to encourage others. My mother taught me long ago that whining is not allowed. Thus, I tend to write cheerfully or not at all. Yet, just in case anyone is wondering, my house is a mess, my children often fuss, I sometimes spend the whole day in my pajamas and occasionally I’m just plain old grumpy and have to apologize to my family for sporting a ‘tude. I’m selfish with my time. I’m impatient. My three year old watches way too many videos. I haven’t exercised in 8 days. There. Feel better?

Seriously, I think that blogging, facebook, twitter (which I don’t use) and whatever other social media exists can create a false reality and this can be damaging – especially to our young people. Those of us who grew up without knowing everyone’s business also know that just as we untag ugly pictures of ourselves, everyone else does too. We know our friends’ two year olds throw fits once in a while. No one’s life is perfect. However, our teens don’t realize this. They see the parties they missed. They see “wall to wall” conversations they weren’t invited to join. They wonder if they are the only ones having to work on a snow day when, according to status updates, everyone else is on the slopes. They spend ridiculous amounts of time looking at their friends’ smiley albums and videos. They wonder why no one “likes” what they say or do. They feel left out, alone and maybe even depressed. Compared to the very happy life of their facebook and bloggy friends, their life stinks.

It’s up to us (parents) to help our teens with reality checks. These are some of my thoughts of things we can do:

1. Encourage them to be sensitive with their own postings.

My girls have seen many party pictures they wish they’d attended. Thus, when one of my girls took fun videos at her birthday, I encouraged her not to post the video for all her friends to see. I reminded her that not all of her friends were invited. I had to limit the guests to about 8 so I could fit everyone in my van. “How would you feel if _____ saw this?” What started off as a fun way to relive a silly moment could easily hurt a friend. Needless to say, the video wasn’t posted publicly. Teaching children to think about others is important. Of course, we can’t control what others post but in talking about such situations, our teens can learn that usually, if they feel left out, it’s not the intent of their “friends” for them to feel that way.

2. Help them to invest in real life friendships.

Being the social director of teens and tweens is hard, but I think it is very, very important. They are driven to want to be around their peers. When my children were little, I did not drive them around to play dates often. I had 5 children under the age of 7 and couldn’t handle more than that. They played with one another. They still do. However, now they crave friendships outside of the family and I believe that is because they are hard-wired that way. They won’t be under my roof forever. Investing in relationships is healthy. Learning to be a loyal friend is important. I am so thankful that all my children have meaningful, deep friendships. They don’t need 700 facebook friends. What they need are a few (or even one!) dear real life friends whom they really know. Real friends bring joy!

3. Limit their time on facebook, blogs, etc.

Our kids need to be doing other things. They need to be living – not just watching others live.

4. Help them stay active.

Everyone needs to get their wiggles out. Even teens. (Even moms, I think). Exercise produces endorphins which really do make you happy – much more so than looking at other peoples’ vacation pictures.

5. Talk, talk, talk to them about everything!

I’ve asked my girls many, many times details about their friends’ posts. My girls are often shocked that I notice issues and bring them to their attention. My point is that I want my children to see that public postings are viewed by everyone on their friends’ list – even old people like their mother. It’s my goal for them to evaluate everything they say and learn not to take everything they read at face value.

6. Direct them to daily count their blessings.

Ann Voskamp at A Holy Experience has taught me so much about gratitude. This discipline is life changing.

7. Model responsibility.

I hope my children see me investing WAY more in real life friendships than any social media. I pray they see me active – working in my home and investing in REALITY! They are my reality. My husband is my reality. My church and my friends and extended family are my reality. I pray they would see me use social media as a way to minister; to see needs and meet them… not to gossip or value someone else’s world more than my own!

How about you? Have you been affected by this “false reality” world of social media? I have, on occasion, and when I am I know it’s time to take a break from it and refocus! Have your children experienced this? What have you done to help them with reality checks?

I don’t post much about raising teens. The reason? I don’t know much. I’m just beginning this journey. Maybe once Esther is a teen, I’ll have learned something. For now, Daniel and I are praying for wisdom… a lot.

Don’t get me wrong. I love, love, love my teens and I enjoy them! They are hilarious. It’s really fun to have older children who make you laugh because they are truly witty. It beats the same old knock-knock jokes that come with typical eight- year- old humor. They ask great questions and are growing in the Lord. They are truly a joy!

Yet, there are some teen issues that require boundaries and texting is one of them. This is new territory for me. I sometimes wish it didn’t exist yet it is here to stay, I am afraid. Last week at the Revolve Conference, a World Vision promotional video was played. The entire video consisted of words typed across the screen. I didn’t really get it. I’m moved by visual images of hungry children and I wondered why a video promoting sponsorship wouldn’t show the children in need. Then I looked around at the teens watching – fixated on each word. My friend beside me astutely stated, “This generation is affected greatly by texting. They identify. For them, it’s a powerful ad.”

Texting is as common to our teens today as a phone hooked to the wall  was for me in the 80′s. It’s the way

Goodnight phones!

teens communicate. Yet, unlike the phone, it’s accessible always. I never would have called a friend at 1 am growing up and such is quite common in the texting world. Texting can be distracting. It can be dangerous. And it must be controlled or it can be controlling.

So… 2 1/2 years into parenting teens I’ve learned a few things about texting.  Unfortunately, my husband and I have had to “go backwards.” This basically means that we, unknowingly or naively, allowed some things and had to go back and make rules that ideally should have been in place from the beginning of phone ownership.

Anna's sparkly cover

Because I’ve noticed that “What do you do about texting” is a very common conversation of teen moms, I’m going to share a few texting rules that we’ve “gone backwards” and implemented. Know that I’m not saying all families should do this. It’s just what’s working for us for now. As our children mature, the rules may change – some of them anyway.

1. All phones, ipod touches and computers stay in the den while we are home. This is the biggest change. This rule came about because we realized our teens were very distracted by their gadgets at night. They simply weren’t getting enough sleep. Also, our older children do their school in their rooms. Again, the phones, computers, etc were keeping them from completing their work in a timely manner. Now, because I hang out all day in the den and kitchen, which is beside the docking station, I can keep tabs on who is on task. Teens are having to learn to use old fashioned dictionaries and calculators instead of iTouch/iPhone apps during school time.

2. We (the parents) have all passwords and reserve the right to spot check conversations anytime we want. We also look online at the in/out activity. Too much texting (like an hour of back and forth) is checked out.

3. Our daughters may not text boys. They may respond if a boy (that we know) texts them, but again… no hour long texting conversations. If they need to text a friend who is a guy, they need to ask us about it first.

4. No phones are allowed at the dinner table. No texting is allowed during family time. Our teens must always put their phones away when we have guests.

5. Our children may not put in headphones without permission. I’ve spent too much time calling and calling and calling them to discover that they can’t hear me. This isn’t exactly a texting rule, but it’s a phone/ipod thing.

6. If texting and phone rules are broken, the privilege to have a phone disappears.

And there you have it. Now, I feel like I can live with my teens and  texting. It’s not out of control. Our children are not as addicted to their phones as they once were. One must feel for the oldest children. They are the guinea pigs. Hopefully by the time we have teens #3 and #4 (our twins), we’ll not have to “go backwards” as often. So far, these simple rules are working very well. What works for you? (other than maybe just not having phones at all?)

This is Esther and her big pink pocketbook. When it’s time to run errands, she flings it over her darling little shoulder and exclaims, “I’ve got my pocketbook! We can go now!” In it is she keeps her essentials. Today, there is a little book, a bracelet, some “lip-stuff” and a stuffed animal. Tomorrow, the contents most likely will change. She holds it carefully in her lap in her car seat. If she is given a treasure as we run around town, she has a perfect place to put it.

Esther could have decided to carry a purse for her treasures all on her own. Many little girls do, and she does have four purse-carrying big sisters as well as a purse-carrying mommy. However, modeling for purse carrying came from another little girl – one with cartoon-like blond hair, beady black eyes and green pants. We’ve read of her adventures about town with her mommy so many times that it’s a shame this child speaks in first person and never shares her name with us. This is a picture of our nameless friend, who happens to carry a big green pocketbook – much like her mother’s blue one… and, Esther believes, much like her hand-me-down-from-big-sister pink one.

Esther adores this story that we borrowed from a friend of mine. While I enjoyed reading it to her, I wouldn’t say it’s one of my all time favorites. It’s sweet, but it has only taught my daughter to carry around a pocketbook. Every time I see my cute three year old with her pocketbook of treasures, I am reminded of the powerful influence that stories can have in our children’s lives. If a little cartoon friend can convince Esther to carry a purse everywhere she goes, what else might she learn from stories? My hope is she’ll learn far more during our read-aloud times than the joy of pocketbook ownership.

I once heard, “You are only changed by the people you know and the books you read.” God changes us most definitely, but there is no doubt that He often uses other people and words (spoken or written) to do so.

I most certainly desire the truths of God’s Word to penetrate the hearts of my children. Yet there are so many good stories that testify of God’s faithfulness as well -  missionary stories, biographies and fiction that direct little hearts toward the Lord. Might the Bible story of the little boy who shared his lunch inspire my children to be giving and trust Jesus? Might a missionary in Africa become their hero? Might my children be influenced toward gratitude after reading of Laura Ingall’s joy in receiving a penny and a piece of peppermint as her only gifts on Christmas Day? The answer to those questions is yes! I’ve seen the power of a book’s influence time and time again in the lives of my children.

May I choose treasures to fill my daughter’s heart in the stories that I share with her. Just like she collects trinkets for her purse, may I collect and read edifying, wholesome books – books, full of life-giving, encouraging words and godly influence! And while I’m at it, I may just pick up our own personal copy of The Big Green Pocketbook – just for fun!

Sally Clarkson is one of my favorite authors and speakers. I think this is the third time I’ve mentioned this on my blog. Several years ago, a group of ladies met in my home as we spent two years reading and discussing Educating the Wholehearted Child. We learned so much as we read Sally’s encouraging advice to home schooling mothers. I cherish those memories.

Sally once was a speaker at the NCHE Conference, our state’s annual homeschooling conference. Not only did I attend all her sessions, but I bought all her talks on cd and listened to them, lent them to friends, and again, was encouraged. At the same conference, I picked up her then new book, The Mission of Motherhood. I enjoyed it so much, I proceeded to buy 20 copies to give to every new mommy I knew. To this day, it is my favorite mommy book. No rules. No parenting philosophies. Just encouragement.

Her newest book, Dancing With the Father, was a Christmas gift that I bought myself. When ordering Odyssey CD’s and my husband’s Bible from Family Christian Stores, I couldn’t resist slipping in this one special mommy book just for me.

So… I am thrilled that Sally will be in Durham, NC for a Mom Heart Conference March 4-5th. It’s important to be reminded that motherhood is a high calling. When I am struggling with my mission of being a mother, Sally reminds me to turn to Jesus. The more I do so and the more I pray for wisdom, the more I enjoy and cherish each moment I have with my children.

I can think of no better winter get-away than a Mom Heart Conference. You can read about it by clicking the icon below. I am going to try to attend! Let me know if you are too!

Follow up post to My Comment About Harry Potter

Tonight we had one of the best family discussions I can ever remember. We discussed good and evil. We read scriptures. We read a couple of articles… all prompted by the third Harry Potter movie. We compared the protagonists and antagonists of HP v/s Narnia and Lord of the Rings. Where is God in this? Does HP glorify darkness? Should we allow ourselves to continue watching the rest of the movies knowing that these wizards take divination classes? Can there be good and bad sides of witchcraft? Are Potter and friends even practicing witchcraft or is it just innocent magic? Hmmm…………

So… will we keep watching the rest of the movies? Yes and no. I just don’t like them. Not only do references to witchcraft bother me, I’m really not a fantasy/fiction type of girl. These movies are long and I can hardly stand sitting through them. Two of our daughters (not including our youngest who has been put to bed for all of these) are bothered by them also. They closed their eyes through a good portion of tonight’s movie and they have no desire to see more. They are sensitive to visual images. They are my girls. For the fourth movie, we’ll have a knitting party in another room.

Our son (11) and our teens will watch the remainder of the movies with Daniel who really finds the story interesting. Any references to real witchcraft will be discussed just as it was tonight. They’ll have a blast and learn from them.

Movie #4 is next for the Jobes who are about a decade behind on the Potter craze. Plugged in (Focus on the Family’s movie review website) says this:

“Of course, this is film four. Families that consider the supernatural sinew that binds Harry Potter together more trouble than it’s worth probably put the kibosh on it a long time ago. The ones still with it have decided either a) sorcery isn’t a big deal, or b) while they oppose real-life witchcraft, non-stop spells and incantations are acceptable when used as a literary device.”

So… we’re a divided household on this one! If I know my non-HP girls, they will never ask to finish this series. Yet for those watching with Dad, I have absolutely no concerns.

The plugged-in review goes on to say…

“Even those in the “go with it” camp may find their patience tested with Goblet of Fire, the first film to warrant a PG-13 rating. It’s extremely grim at times and even features the death of a Hogwarts student. I was amazed at the number of small children seated around me in the theater. At what point will moms and dads who’ve been saying “yes” to voracious young Potter fans decide that things have gone too far? This could be it. Dumbledore warns Harry, “Soon we must face the choice between what is right and what is easy.” They’re not the only ones.”

Interesting. And I agree. I’m glad we ignored these movies existed until now. While I’m comfortable with our older children watching them with Daniel (and our oldest watching the new release alone), I’m glad Harry Potter was not a part of our lives when my teens and tweens were little.

Facebook status updates are a strange thing. I’m not one that likes to post what I’m doing, thinking, or where I’m shopping every moment of the day. If something makes me smile (especially my three year old who doesn’t get embarrassed) or if God reveals himself to me in an encouraging way… those things I share.

Not my teens. They post what they are thinking and what they are doing. They post what they are eating and inside jokes (that 221 of 223 of their “friends” don’t get.) Teens do that and are rewarded with no less than 20 “likes” or comments with each update. Sometimes I’m tempted to comment – like earlier today when my oldest child posted, “Off to see Harry Potter!!!!” I cringed. “Why tell everyone your parents allow you to see Harry Potter, dear?” my prideful self wondered. By the time I saw her status (and I’m the one who drove her to the theater), she isn’t “off” to see HP, she’s there!

Shortly after, I received a note in my inbox from a very sweet, dear friend of mine. I really appreciated her inquiry…

“I saw your daughter’s comment about going to see Harry Potter and I have to say I was a little surprised. I would have pegged you guys as anti-Harry Potter people. I don’t really care either way but with so many different opinions about the movies, I am just curious about your views.”

I’m not one to generally write about anything controversial. I view this blog to be a place of encouragement. However, occasionally I think it is appropriate to be real and admit that there are issues I deal with that are uncomfortable. So… here is my response to my friend (who has given me permission to post:)

We’re at the beginning of the teen journey… just prayerfully trying to make these kind of decisions as they present themselves.”

I thought I’d publish my response, not because it’s right but because that is how we are approaching the years ahead… very prayerfully. I’m sure there will be many more Harry Potter type decisions to make. (Oh, I miss the days when my children didn’t even know what was playing at the theater!)

I was very tempted to say something (not sure what) under my daughter’s Harry Potter status update. However, I kept my mouth shut. I don’t fault her for excitedly announcing her plans for the day. But with the question in my inbox from a great friend, I couldn’t resist posting my thoughts – which obviously are a bit much for a facebook comment anyway!

A few years ago, Bethany, then about seven, asked me at the dinner table, “Mommy, do you think I’m not a very good person because I wear jeans and shorts?” I had absolutely no idea how to answer her question but I knew I needed to say something. She was distraught. Obviously, she’d  been thinking about the modesty issue even though at the time she didn’t even know the meaning of the word. After asking her some questions, it became clear that she’d been told by a friend that girls should  not wear pants or show their legs past a certain point because it wasn’t ladylike.

“What if she asks me why I still wear jeans?” Bethany inquired. “You just smile and tell her that our family doesn’t have that rule,” Daniel replied.

“Should I wear a dress when I’m around her just so she doesn’t feel bad?” Bethany continued. “You may wear a dress anytime you wish, but don’t pretend you follow her family’s rules,” answered Daniel.

“What if she doesn’t want to be my friend anymore?” was Bethany’s last question. “Honey, that would be her loss.  Love her and I’m sure she will love you too. If she isn’t kind because you don’t have the same rules as she, there is nothing you can or should do.”

Relief swept over Bethany’s sweet little face. She left the table that night, happy that she could hang upside down on our monkey bars in her jeans!

Recently, I listened to Sally Clarkson, one of my favorite authors and speakers, talk to writers. She said, “Why would you allow someone else’s law to put you under guilt? Jesus felt compassion for the multitudes. Compassion is better than passion.” She went on to challenge writers not to “put women under the pile of legalism.”

Can I just say “A-men?”

The story of Bethany and her seven-year-old modesty dilemma immediately came to mind. Females start early looking around to see what the “rules” are. Little girls who look to their friends for life’s rules grow up to be women who look to other families or authors or speakers. We are prone to taking notes on how others “do life.”

She homeschools. Should I?

He says I should always spank for that offense. Should I?

I wonder if I should let my baby “cry it out.” This family says it’s the only way to get any rest.

She doesn’t wear make-up and has beautiful long hair. Am I too worldly because I won’t go in public without lipstick and I keep my hair short?

She is having such good results with her Classical education curriculum. I ought to be more structured too.

She doesn’t use the church nursery. Maybe I shouldn’t either.

Their family doesn’t do sports. Am I too worldly because I love them?

Their family doesn’t watch any tv. Maybe we shouldn’t either.

She bakes her own bread and cooks everything from scratch. What is wrong with me?

Will my girls go to college? This family says “no way!”

… And the list could go on forever.

Ladies, take it to your father. Very often, the Lord uses others to teach us. I’ve learned to cook, sew, make bread and I’ve been challenged in my parenting and walk with the Lord by dear friends who do things differently than I. However, I’ve also been presented with many ideas that just weren’t for our family. There have been times when, like Bethany, I wondered if I was wrong. I felt insecure. That feeling means it’s time to pray and seek answers.

Sally went on to encourage women to use their words to encourage others. “God may one day say, ‘I gave you the gift of communication. How did you use it for the glory of my kingdom.”‘ Again, I say “A-men!”

Bethany’s daddy, with a smile and a wise word, set her free from guilt she shouldn’t carry from a law she wasn’t asked to follow. Our father can and will do the same for us. We only have to ask.

Lord, May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart to pleasing in your sight. May I seek you and you alone for direction for my life. Help me to encourage my sisters in Christ to seek after you in all things as well. A-men.

*Susie and Mr. Smith are not their real names. And… this family would never impose their family rules for modesty on another. Often, we assume folks are judging us when in fact, they are not. (A topic for another day!