The Jobe Journal

Facebook status updates are a strange thing. I’m not one that likes to post what I’m doing, thinking, or where I’m shopping every moment of the day. If something makes me smile (especially my three year old who doesn’t get embarrassed) or if God reveals himself to me in an encouraging way… those things I share.

Not my teens. They post what they are thinking and what they are doing. They post what they are eating and inside jokes (that 221 of 223 of their “friends” don’t get.) Teens do that and are rewarded with no less than 20 “likes” or comments with each update. Sometimes I’m tempted to comment – like earlier today when my oldest child posted, “Off to see Harry Potter!!!!” I cringed. “Why tell everyone your parents allow you to see Harry Potter, dear?” my prideful self wondered. By the time I saw her status (and I’m the one who drove her to the theater), she isn’t “off” to see HP, she’s there!

Shortly after, I received a note in my inbox from a very sweet, dear friend of mine. I really appreciated her inquiry…

“I saw your daughter’s comment about going to see Harry Potter and I have to say I was a little surprised. I would have pegged you guys as anti-Harry Potter people. I don’t really care either way but with so many different opinions about the movies, I am just curious about your views.”

I’m not one to generally write about anything controversial. I view this blog to be a place of encouragement. However, occasionally I think it is appropriate to be real and admit that there are issues I deal with that are uncomfortable. So… here is my response to my friend (who has given me permission to post:)

We’re at the beginning of the teen journey… just prayerfully trying to make these kind of decisions as they present themselves.”

I thought I’d publish my response, not because it’s right but because that is how we are approaching the years ahead… very prayerfully. I’m sure there will be many more Harry Potter type decisions to make. (Oh, I miss the days when my children didn’t even know what was playing at the theater!)

I was very tempted to say something (not sure what) under my daughter’s Harry Potter status update. However, I kept my mouth shut. I don’t fault her for excitedly announcing her plans for the day. But with the question in my inbox from a great friend, I couldn’t resist posting my thoughts – which obviously are a bit much for a facebook comment anyway!

A few years ago, Bethany, then about seven, asked me at the dinner table, “Mommy, do you think I’m not a very good person because I wear jeans and shorts?” I had absolutely no idea how to answer her question but I knew I needed to say something. She was distraught. Obviously, she’d  been thinking about the modesty issue even though at the time she didn’t even know the meaning of the word. After asking her some questions, it became clear that she’d been told by a friend that girls should  not wear pants or show their legs past a certain point because it wasn’t ladylike.

“What if she asks me why I still wear jeans?” Bethany inquired. “You just smile and tell her that our family doesn’t have that rule,” Daniel replied.

“Should I wear a dress when I’m around her just so she doesn’t feel bad?” Bethany continued. “You may wear a dress anytime you wish, but don’t pretend you follow her family’s rules,” answered Daniel.

“What if she doesn’t want to be my friend anymore?” was Bethany’s last question. “Honey, that would be her loss.  Love her and I’m sure she will love you too. If she isn’t kind because you don’t have the same rules as she, there is nothing you can or should do.”

Relief swept over Bethany’s sweet little face. She left the table that night, happy that she could hang upside down on our monkey bars in her jeans!

Recently, I listened to Sally Clarkson, one of my favorite authors and speakers, talk to writers. She said, “Why would you allow someone else’s law to put you under guilt? Jesus felt compassion for the multitudes. Compassion is better than passion.” She went on to challenge writers not to “put women under the pile of legalism.”

Can I just say “A-men?”

The story of Bethany and her seven-year-old modesty dilemma immediately came to mind. Females start early looking around to see what the “rules” are. Little girls who look to their friends for life’s rules grow up to be women who look to other families or authors or speakers. We are prone to taking notes on how others “do life.”

She homeschools. Should I?

He says I should always spank for that offense. Should I?

I wonder if I should let my baby “cry it out.” This family says it’s the only way to get any rest.

She doesn’t wear make-up and has beautiful long hair. Am I too worldly because I won’t go in public without lipstick and I keep my hair short?

She is having such good results with her Classical education curriculum. I ought to be more structured too.

She doesn’t use the church nursery. Maybe I shouldn’t either.

Their family doesn’t do sports. Am I too worldly because I love them?

Their family doesn’t watch any tv. Maybe we shouldn’t either.

She bakes her own bread and cooks everything from scratch. What is wrong with me?

Will my girls go to college? This family says “no way!”

… And the list could go on forever.

Ladies, take it to your father. Very often, the Lord uses others to teach us. I’ve learned to cook, sew, make bread and I’ve been challenged in my parenting and walk with the Lord by dear friends who do things differently than I. However, I’ve also been presented with many ideas that just weren’t for our family. There have been times when, like Bethany, I wondered if I was wrong. I felt insecure. That feeling means it’s time to pray and seek answers.

Sally went on to encourage women to use their words to encourage others. “God may one day say, ‘I gave you the gift of communication. How did you use it for the glory of my kingdom.”‘ Again, I say “A-men!”

Bethany’s daddy, with a smile and a wise word, set her free from guilt she shouldn’t carry from a law she wasn’t asked to follow. Our father can and will do the same for us. We only have to ask.

Lord, May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart to pleasing in your sight. May I seek you and you alone for direction for my life. Help me to encourage my sisters in Christ to seek after you in all things as well. A-men.

*Susie and Mr. Smith are not their real names. And… this family would never impose their family rules for modesty on another. Often, we assume folks are judging us when in fact, they are not. (A topic for another day!

Written for and shared with my MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) friends

I hate potty training.

Had all my children been like my first, I wouldn’t feel this way. Anna passed my potty training boot camp with flying colors. She was an A+ student! I simply checked out a book called Toilet Training in a Day, read it, implemented the techniques and truly had a trained 2 year old within 24 hours. Anna never had more than a couple of accidents, mastered #1 and #2 the first day and within 3 days was also night trained  - all at 26 months. I became a huge believer in this little book and completely admit… a little proud and a little smug. What was all the fuss over potty training? Obviously, mothers with difficulty either waited too late to train or needed to read the book. I found myself entertaining entrepreneurial thoughts of starting a potty-training business. From talk I’d overheard, there were moms out there who could use my expertise! Then came Christina…

I used the same techniques with Christina as I did with Anna. I was even more motivated to get my second-born out of diapers because by this time I was expecting twins! I had no intentions of diapering three children at once! Thus, when Christina became 26 months old, I skimmed over the potty-training-in-a-day guidelines and got to work.

This is how Christina felt about potty training!

Christina didn’t get it. She refused to cooperate. As a matter of fact, she despised the potty game. At the end of the first day, she had not, even once, pee-peed in the potty. She’d pooped in her pants. She’d thrown fits. And I counted the months I had left before my twins estimated due date and decided to give it a little more time –like 3 more months, but not 4… no way! That would be too long!

Two months before my due date, I again attempted potty boot camp. “Epic fail” as my teens would say! Not only was Christina as stubborn as ever, I resembled a whale and was in no condition to squat near a toddler potty fifty times a day! It was inevitable that two and a half year old Christina would not be out of diapers by the time I was due with the twins.

We survived. Eventually, Christina trained and over the next five years, her three younger siblings did as well. Sarah and Bethany were relatively easy. Nathan was not and was over 3 before he “got it.” (WAY too old by TTILTAD standards!)

You’d think with my experience in potty training 5 children, I’d think nothing of training our 6^th child, Esther. However, she, of all six, has been the most difficult! Esther, who is almost 3, is afraid of doing her poopies on the potty. She was completely trained for several months and then became constipated. After going several days without a #2, she finally went and it was terribly painful. She bled, cried for hours and, once done with the job, decided she’d just not ever put herself through it again. That was 5 months ago and she has tried with all her might to keep her promise to herself. Unfortunately, her fear that going potty is painful has become a self-fulfilled prophecy. When poopies are held in, they do hurt when they must come out. Going to the potty is traumatic for her and there seems to be nothing I can do to convince her that she is causing her own discomfort.

So why am I writing about this “trial?” It’s just potty-training… something very common. I’ve heard it said that no one goes to kindergarten in diapers and I believe that statement is usually true! However, kindergarten is 4 years from now… and that’s a long time to wait for her to “get it!”

Our children will, from infancy, test our patience. It’s tempting when faced with a trial, be it a toddler with potty refusal or a teen with an attitude, to turn to the experts.

TTILTAD might call me a failure. With certainly, the author pities my child and me!

So often, I want to “fix” my children’s “issues.” I’ll admit that I am a controller and lean toward finding “potty-training –in-a-day” types of resources. Just give me whatever works fast! However, my children don’t read the books and they certainly don’t respond like the model children described within the pages (well, Anna did… but 1 out of 6 is not a good statistic!)

The parenting books and internet experts are not my sources of wisdom regarding Esther’s potty refusal issue. We are consulting the Bible and we are praying for her. I wrote some of my dearest friends and asked them to pray as well. We are implementing some dietary changes and that is helping a little.

This is the first of many “big things” for Esther to tackle. It’s easy to get impatient. Yet I believe when our children struggle, they often need us to back away from externally controlling them and instead believe in them. This doesn’t mean there is not a place for discipline. All children need discipline. Yet it takes discernment to know when to just be patient.

I Corinthians 13:4-8: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self- seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I am convinced that potty training has been a small trial that the Lord has used to teach me how to love. It takes patience and kindness. Desiring Christina out of diapers at 26 months was a bit self-seeking. She wasn’t ready and was unaware how inconvenient her immaturity was to me – soon to be mother of twins! Why couldn’t she “get it” like her big sister?!? I once was proud and boastful to have such a fast learning first-born child! Yet my future children humbled me in this area just a wee bit! (I know God has a sense of humor!) I’ll admit cleaning up poopy panties can bring out some rudeness in me – especially when it’s the 5^th pair of the day and we’ve not even eaten lunch! Yet my frustration brings shame to my young one’s face… and she needs tenderness. She doesn’t need to be reminded of the other times she’s failed in this area. She needs encouragement and the assurance that I believe she will succeed.

As mothers, we all will face trials that test our patience. Knowing when to discipline and when to extend grace requires the Holy Spirit. Does your baby not sleep through the night? Are you tired? Are you frustrated trying to implement routine? Does your kindergartner talk too much in class? Do you wonder if your child will ever learn to read or their basic addition facts? Are you weary of sibling rivalry and bickering? Do you feel like if you’ve said it once you’ve said it a hundred times?

Pray. Read the Word. Consult I Corinthians 13 and be guided by love. Sometimes we must correct and discipline… but we should always be guided by love for our children and one another. When the trials come, there is a place for parenting books. However, resist the urge to turn to a resource before turning to the Word.

Also, the Bible has a commandment to older women in Titus 2:4 to “teach the younger women to love their husbands and children. However, so often we young mamas receive not because we ask not. I am guilty of this. I try to figure things out myself. However, I have never regretted turning to my mother, mother-in-law or older friends and mentors. I know these ladies will pray for me. I’m blessed by their life experiences. It seems that sometimes I need to only hear “This too shall pass.” They can tell me this with assurance because they’ve lived it! We are so blessed in our church to have godly, older women who are willing to pray for our children and us and share their experiences. Take advantage and be teachable!

Hooray for Esther!

I have a praise! Several days ago, Esther, while swimming in a pool, called her Daddy to get her out so she could go potty. AND SHE DID A #2 IN THE POTTY! We celebrated! We rejoiced! And we gave her a lollipop just for triple reinforcement! She has since succeeded two more times! I hope this means we can put the potty training season behind us! I’ve trained six children now and have either “just trained,” “must train” or “will need to train” a child for 13 ½ years. I do not, however, consider myself an expert! I can only say, that with God’s grace, I’ve learned a lot and survived.

Oh, and for the record, I don’t plan to start that potty training business I considered years ago when Anna basked in her star-pupil, potty-trained glory! There just isn’t time for it. Now I must begin teaching the first of all my potty-trained children how to drive!

This gal is still a superstar!

This is one of my favorite family videos of all time. (Watch it before reading further! You’ll love it too… I promise!)

Every time I listen to little Sarah hit that high note, I smile. I love it! Jesus loves Sarah! Jesus loves me! Yet how do we teach our children this truth and how to love him back?

There is no formula.

We can not take them to church (check), read the Bible (check), say bed-time prayers (check) and say we have discipled our children. Reading the right parenting books, Christian schooling, holding to high standards of modesty, or choosing our children’s friends will not ensure that our children will have pure hearts. We can not put them in the right programs. At the same time, keeping them with us constantly will not “do the trick.”

The longer I parent, the more I see my shortcomings and strengths quite plainly by simply being around my children. The other day one of my children obnoxiously sat next to me chomping on her cup of crushed ice. Just as I was about to snap, “WILL YOU PLEASE STOP?!?” Daniel, with a smirk on his face kindly requested, “Honey, I know you picked up that habit from your mother, but please stop. It’s annoying.” OUCH! The same child LOVES salads and vegetables for lunch and enjoys getting outside to run… habits that I’ve picked up this past year that she is emulating! Seeing this makes me smile. It’s my goal for her (and all my children!) to see more positive than negative qualities in me. For good or bad, our children learn by example. That is indeed a challenge that involves a true desire and effort by us (the parents) to be growing in the Lord.

When it comes to instilling a love of Scripture and a heart for God in our little ones, the same principles apply. More is “caught than taught.”If I read my Bible first thing in the morning , my children will often come downstairs, look at me, and grab their Bibles too. However, if I’m on the computer checking e-mail, they will do the same.  It is true “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” When I am impatient and short -tempered with the children, they become so with one another.  Thus, to disciple your children, first cultivate your relationship with Christ. Pray. Read the Word. Seek growth and model a teachable spirit.

When my oldest child was entering kindergarten, we began the practice of regular family devotions. In the early days of our parenting, devotions consisted of a very short Bible story during breakfast. Daniel read while the children ate. That way they wouldn’t interrupt as much! We’ve done many different things over the past ten years. Some families just read the Bible and that is wonderful! We’ve read books of the Bible, Bible storybooks, done themed studies, and even studied hymns or traditions around the holidays as part of our devotion time. We discuss and we pray. However, there is so much we could do and we are always seeking to grow in this area. This year, we’d like to set aside a weekly time of family prayer because we find that we often are rushed after our breakfast devotions. We’d also like to memorize more Scripture. We are not perfectly consistent. There are times I must leave the table and discipline our youngest. There are times we get blank stares. There are times it feels we are just “checking the devotional box off our to-do list.” However, there are so many times that I know the children are learning life-changing truths. So often they engage, ask questions and are awed by God’s word! I am so thankful for my husband who “keeps on keeping on” when it comes to daily Bible reading.

While there is no perfect resource other than the Bible itself, I have found some books and CD’s that have been helpful over the years.

Music is such a gift from God! When my toddlers or preschoolers are cranky, putting on an upbeat CD changes the mood. My favorites are:

Sing the Word: Musically, these are absolutely beautiful. I’ve bought over a hundred of them over the years to give as baby gifts and birthday presents. My favorites are God Our Provider and Great In Counsel and Mighty In Deed. Each of these CDs have a whole chapter of scripture set to music. What a blessing to hear young children able to sing a whole Psalm! Visit the site and listen to the samples. I just love them!

Hide ‘Em In Your Heart: These are older CD’s but so sweet. I can not listen to them without thinking of each of my children as little ones. You must see Esther sing to “God Loves A Cheerful Giver!”

Seeds of Faith: These are great too! They’re more “big kid” and “pop” sounding. My 5-10 year olds love them!

I could list hundreds of books but I’m going to stick to just a few of my all time favorites…

ABC Bible Verses: A Bible verse for each letter of the alphabet.

The Jesus Storybook Bible: Every Bible story points to Jesus. This book has wonderful illustrations and helps children see the “big picture.”

Right Choices: My children have enjoyed this little book about making good choices. I like it but often go a little deeper about “why” right choices are made in each illustration. I will admit to skipping one or two pages when mine are really young because the school situation described is irrelevant for our family. However, I do like this little book. It’s a great way to discuss “right choices” to preschool children.

Training Hearts Teaching Minds: This is a resource helpful in teaching the shorter catechism. I think it would be best for children 5 and up.

Parenting With Scripture: It is so important to speak God’s Word continually to our children. We should “preach the Gospel” to them daily in our interactions with them. By no means have I arrived in this area! I mess up. I get angry. Yet even when I fail, I desire to humbly express my sorrow and model a desire to grow. This book points parents to Scripture so that we can more effectively point our children in the same direction.

Doorposts Charts: I love these visual reminders to be diligent, bless others and resolve conflict. These are wonderful little charts to hang up and refer to often. Click on each chart on the website and you will see how practical and wonderful they are!

The above resources are for young children and I know there are many others. I may post with some of my picks for older children at another time. Feel free to leave comments with links to your favorites! Blessings as you seek to teach your children about God’s Word!

Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. ⁶ These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. ⁷ Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. ⁸ Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. ⁹ Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates. Deuteronomy 6:5-8

For years I’ve been afraid of youth group. That was ok, because for years I didn’t have any children old enough to attend so it was a non-issue! However, I knew that when my children became old enough, they’d not participate. Why? Because I’ve read the books and articles and know the arguments against youth meetings which include:

Parents are to be the primary spiritual teachers for their children.

Youth leaders are generally young and inexperienced and male… not good for our daughters.

Putting teens in youth can set them up for boy/girl relationships.

Our kids aren’t youth. They are young adults. We don’t need to put them in a group that encourages foolishness.

Age-segregated meetings divide the family and take away time we can be discipling our own children.

The entertainment focus of youth creates selfishness.

The purpose of youth group is to reach unsaved kids. Our teens know Jesus. They don’t need it.

All of the above can be true. I’ve been in youth groups (a long time ago!) characterized by entertainment, relationships, and foolishness. I’ve seen youth pastors behave inappropriately. I’ve seen teens look anywhere but to their parents for spiritual guidance.

Youth having a great time with young children at our first VBS.. such a sweet time!

However, might I say that all youth groups aren’t the same? If I were in a church characterized by the above, I’d wonder about the discipling happening in homes of the youth. I not only wouldn’t have my children in the youth group, but I may be looking elsewhere for a church!

My husband and I carried on “not doing youth” until last year when our sweet daughter, who had had a difficult year with leg surgery taking her out of several extra-curricular activities, approached us and asked, “Mom and Dad, Would you consider letting me be a part of the youth group? I know you don’t want to do that, but I’d really like to. ” After talking with her, we could see that her motives were to grow in the Lord, develop closer relationships with her girlfriends, and have opportunities to serve. We’ve always loved our youth pastor. Never, ever have we not trusted him. Our reasons for not participating were fears of other kids’ influences and busy-ness. After praying about it, we felt we should let our daughter attend.

What a blessing her involvement in youth was for her and for us! So often, as Daniel led our family devotions, she contributed wisdom she learned from Pastor Scott’s teachings. We were all blessed by her! We also began to see her truly working on some weaknesses that we’d been praying about for a very long time. Her relationships with her siblings and girlfriends and especially us (her parents!) took on a maturity not present before.

Tonight we went to a youth vision meeting and Daniel and I were so inspired. Tonight we heard the following…

Parents are the most important spiritual teachers. Period. Then we were inspired by a dad who mentored his sons by weekly Bible study/breakfast dates with other fathers and sons for years!

It is the desire of our youth pastor to see young teens develop into mature, godly adults. He stated, “I do not want your son/daughter to stay 13.”

Entertainment doesn’t align with the vision for our youth to obtain spiritual maturity. While the teens will have fun, the worship and teaching are the focal points of the meetings. There are also many service and mission opportunities.

Results of a survey taken by youth members were shared. The questions all involved the discipleship that occurs within their homes: how often parents pray with teens, have devotions, resolve conflict Biblically, etc. Parents then were given tips on how to “preach the gospel” to their children daily – through praying, conflict resolution, etc.

Parents were encouraged to lead or host small group Bible studies for girls or guys (same sex).

Parents were encouraged to set aside at least one night of the week for a family prayer time. “You may get blank stares, ” Pastor Scott said, “and if you do, just do it again the next week!”

Families were encouraged to worship together in church.

I haven’t been as inspired to continue “keeping on” loving, teaching and discipling my teens as I was tonight ever – not even during my favorite weekend of the year at our state homeschooling conference! I need that! When my children were small, I had such great ideas and was always eager to try something new to teach and encourage them. While I love my children now more than ever, that enthusiasm isn’t what it used to be. I’ll admit that I get tired and weary! Having a youth ministry that considers its purpose to come alongside parents to encourage discipleship is what I call a “family-oriented” youth group!

This year I have four children in our wonderful youth ministry. I am blessed. They are blessed. I’m thankful, and on the way home from the vision meeting tonight I heard a little voice in the back of the van that said, “I think Wednesday is going to be my favorite school- day of the week.”

I agree! Mine too!

Written Mother’s Day, 2009.

I received a precious gift today. My oldest daughter decided to make one of my favorite cakes while I was away at the grocery store – a devil’s food cake with chocolate mocha icing. YUMMY!

I knew I’d probably get a cake today. Yesterday my sweet children asked, “Mama, what would you like for Mother’s Day?” When that question is asked late on Mother’s Day Eve, it is best to think of something that can be accomplished without leaving home or spending money. So, I answered truthfully, “I’d like for all of you to get along with one another all day… and I’d also like a cake!”

That delighted my girls who love an excuse to bake. Here lately, they are all learning how to make drop flowers and roses. A Mother’s Day cake would be fun!

So, today I went to the grocery store alone, wondering what kind of cake I’d come home to enjoy. While I was out, Anna called and asked me to get some ice cream… cause later we’d have cake! When I walked in the door, she excitedly led me to two beautiful chocolate layers. “Look, Mom, I got them out of the pans without them cracking at all!” They really did look beautiful and I could tell immediately that this wasn’t a cake mix. I like mixes but this was the real thing. I contemplated skipping supper and just eating a REALLY BIG piece. Moms are allowed to indulge a little on Mother’s Day, right?!

I left the kitchen for a few minutes so I could be “surprised” by the showpiece cake. It still needed to be iced… the favorite part of the gift for the children.

It broke Anna's heart to present me with this ugly cake last year for Mother's Day.

Suddenly I heard a SPLAT noise followed by a very distressed cry followed by a “WHAT HAPPENED?!?!” I knew what had happened and went into the kitchen to try to console my daughter who was crying over the mess on the floor.

“Honey, it’s ok. It will taste great. I don’t care what it looks like,” I told her.

“I know, Mama, but I really wanted it to be perfect,” was her response through tears.

“It is!” I said and then this child, who has a sarcastic wit about her, burst into laughter. She gave me a hug and said, “I love you, Mom. Happy Mother’s Day. Here is your delicious, ugly cake.”

I immediately thought that this delicious and ugly cake truly was the perfect gift for my Mother’s Day. I want to be a perfect mom. Yet, I am not. I fail and without Christ, I am just a mess. It is my prayer that I can model Christ – likeness to my children. I want to be gentle and slow to anger. However, when I take my eyes off of Christ, even for a moment, I “drop the cake.” I often have a crumbled mess to offer the Lord. Yet He forgives me and encourages me. The really cool thing is He even puts all those pieces back together. I have brought so many messes to Him that He just cleans right up. I couldn’t do that to my Mother’s Day cake, but I did pile it on a plate and top it off with a perfect scoop of ice cream! The smiles given as it were served were sweet indeed.

There is nothing wrong with creating something beautiful. However, God is not concerned with outward appearances. Just as I was able to look at Anna and see her motive was to make a beautiful cake for me, God is able to look at my feeble efforts as a mother. When my efforts are truly meant to please God, he can take my mistakes and use them for His good purposes.

My ugly Mother’s Day cake was delicious and I am thankful for its reminder that I am a work in progress. As I teach my children, God is is teaching me. Today, as happens quite often, my children are the instruments He uses in doing so.

Anna and me on my 39th birthday with my chocolate peppermint ganache birthday cake.

Mother’s Day 2010: I marvel at the beautiful cakes Anna has made this year. She made me one of the loveliest and most delicious cakes ever on my 39th birthday. I am so thankful she wasn’t discouraged and that she persevered. Now my daughter, who presented to me a chocolate mess a year ago, can make butter cream roses perfectly! Anna’s growth in her cake decorating is a picture to me of how God often uses our sins, struggles and mess- ups and turn them into something beautiful! In thinking about the messy cake representing my sin, I think of the beautiful cakes she’s made as representative of the Holy Spirit working in our lives to make all things beautiful.  Anna now can teach others how to pipe perfect roses! What once was a struggle, is now a strength of hers. When we are willing, God uses our weaknesses and gives us all we need to overcome sin and bless other people. God is so good!

Diapers…

They’ve been in our home since ’95. We did have a 2 1/2 year break from diapers between Sarah being trained and Esther being born. However, since we diapered twins, I’m not counting it. (Don’t try to figure that out mathematically… I make up my own formulas.) So… Esther is ecstatic to announce that the Jobes are diaper free!!!!!

This whole potty-training thing was her idea. We went to a party last Sunday night and Esther played with a little friend who showed her the routine: put on potty seat, go pee-pee, wipe, flush, pull up pants, take off seat, close lid, stand on potty, and lean over to wash hands (their sink was right beside the potty.) This little girl then offered her seat to Esther to take home and “try out.” Esther was thrilled! The whole way home she talked about her new potty seat and wearing big girl panties like her friend.

Guess who got to stop by Wal-Mart on the way home to pick out new panties and jelly bean potty treats?

Guess who really didn’t have potty-training on the calendar for this week?

My plan was to wait until summer because my girls aren’t as busy then. They can help now but if I waited they could do it for me!  Also, my dad is waiting for a heart transplant. Potty training can take a while and I could be called away. Plus, I just don’t really like potty training. The novelty of it has plain worn off.

Esther, however, decided that this was the week so Monday we began official potty training. Today is Friday and she has only had two accidents since Tuesday morning. I have not reminded her to go at all today. Rather, she has reminded me!

YEAH for Esther!

Thank you, Lord, for inspiring this child through her friend!

Of all six children, she trained the easiest. This job wasn’t on my calendar this week, but now I am so thankful it is behind me!

Michael and Debi Pearl are authors of To Train Up A Child (TTUAC), a little book on child training and run No Greater Joy, a ministry to parents. They have a huge following amongst Christian home-schooling families. Their child-training resources focus on consistency, the use of “the rod”, and training children before disobedience occurs. They claim not to advocate child abuse, stressing the need to never discipline in anger. They emphasize the importance of cheerfulness both with parents who discipline as well as children who receive chastisement. There is a huge emphasis on building sweet family relationships. Obviously, much of their advice is good. So, how is it that recently Lydia Schatz, a seven year old girl was killed at the hand of her abusive parent who claimed to follow the Pearl’s teachings? Sadly, this is not the first case.  Sean Paddock, a four year old boy, also was killed several years ago by parents influenced by principles read in TTUAC.

When I first read these stories, while saddened, I was also a little angered. I saw blame-casting and also felt a little condemnation. Am I guilty too because I own books written by the Pearls? Are these “witch hunters” accusing me of being authoritative and harsh simply by association? I own many of their resources and have read No Greater Joy newsletters for over a decade. We live in a society that is very quick to blame and very slow to accept responsibility. I do not believe the Pearls are legally responsible for either of these murders. This post, in defense of the Pearls, has some valid points. Certainly, there is no resource other than the Word of God that is infallible and Christians need to be discerning and prayerful while reading any book. I can “eat the meat and spit out bones” and so should these folks! However, over the past few weeks, my opinion about this has changed as the Lord has prompted me to reread TTUAC, pray and reflect on my fourteen years of parenting.

In my recent study of TTUAC, there are three teachings that I find harmful. Yes, I could find  three things I disagree with in anything! However, I believe these teachings could, at worst, lead to abuse or, more likely, damage parent-child relationships. It is probable that the Pearls address the concerns I have in publications outside of TTUAC. However, I am looking only at their book TTUAC for this review because for so many people, it is the only Pearl resource they will read. I am no longer angered by the publicity this case has received. Instead I am hopeful that through the deaths of these children, more examination will occur. While I still don’t believe the Pearls are legally responsible for the deaths, they are accountable, as Christians in ministry, for the influence they have on so many parents who look to them for guidance. Parents, who want the best for their children and seek the Pearl’s advice, will read that:

1. Parents Must Always Be Consistent

Page 60: (On spanking an infant to train him to go to bed without crying): “Those who are MOSTLY consistent must use the switch too often. Those who are ALWAYS consistent almost never need the switch.” … “Just think! A child who never begs, whines or cries for anything! We’ve raised five whineless children.”

Page 62: (On teaching children not to whine): If you gave it a 99% consistent try, you would not be satisfied with the results.”

Page 11: Every small child will have one or two times in his young life when he will decide to take hold of the reins. The stubbornness is profound… If you are consistent, this test of authority will come only one, two, or at the most three times in each child’s life.

Page 23: (On preventing anger building in a parent) “… Discipline them immediately upon the slightest disobedience.”

Page 80: (On tantrums):Once he learns that the reward of a tantrum is a swift forceful spanking, he will NEVER throw another fit. If you enforce the rule three times and fail the fourth, he will keep looking for that loop-hole until you have convinced him it will not work again. If a parent starts at infancy discouraging the first crying demands, the child will never develop a habit.

When my twins were born, I had 4 children under the age of four years old. It was during this season that I began subscribing to No Greater Joy newsletters and studying TTUAC. I was in a season of intense parenting and remember feeling so overwhelmed and so sleep-deprived. Those feelings were legitimate! I also felt burdened because I wasn’t consistent in my child training. How could I  discipline my squabbling toddlers while simultaneously nursing two babies? I truly felt that their good behavior depended completely on my consistent training and I knew I was failing in that area. I simply did not have the energy to sleep train my babies, potty train my two year old and character train my preschooler with 100% consistency or sometimes even 50%. I felt they’d lack character due to their close spacing!

I thank my Lord for showing me early in this season that such consistency was impossible. I remember praying and asking Him to help me train my children with more consistency and He revealed to me something that prompted me to put this Pearl teaching away. In the midst of my tears of sleep deprivation and stress I came across a precious scripture:

“He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young.” Isaiah 40:10

“God gently leads me, ” I thought. “Gentleness, at this season is needed more than consistency.” The Lord revealed to me that Michael and Debi Pearl (and countless others I knew who followed their parenting advice) never parented four children in under four years. Having one toddler at a time makes a world of difference in how consistent you can be. The word “gentle” came to mind when I wondered if I should train… not discipline, but train. The Pearls recommend placing forbidden objects within reach of toddlers and mobile infants and “train” them not to touch using the rod. For curious infants reaching for something hot, they recommend allowing natural consequences. Often these recommendations seemed far from gentle.

“Having to always be consistent” is a ball and chain to a mother who has on her plate more than she can handle. In my case it was impossible. However, outside of “never discipline in anger,” consistency is key to training success according to the Pearls. God showed me that my desire for consistency was robbing me of joy. He showed me that He’d given me “more than I could handle” so that I would give him my load. He led me gently and I praise Him for that! He also showed me that my children weren’t doomed for character failure just because I could not train with the consistency the Pearls recommend.

2. Parents Must Spank Until Submissiveness / Repentance Occurs

Page 80:  ”It is his purpose to intimidate you and make you feel like a crud pile. Don’t be bullied. Give him more of the same… If the crying turns to a true, wounded, submissive whimper, you have conquered; he has submitted his will. If the crying is still defiant, protesting and other than a response to pain, spank him again.”

Page 46: If you have to sit on him to spank him, do not hesitate. and hold him there until he is surrendered. Prove that you are bigger, tougher, more patiently enduring and unmoved by his wailing. Defeat him totally. Accept no conditions for surrender. No compromise. Your word is final.” (Now, to be fair, Pearl also says on page 47, “There are always some who act in the extreme and use what has been said about legitimate use of the rod to justify ongoing brutality of children.” He then goes on to warn against abusive behavior. The above is also in reference to an older child.)

There is much in TTUAC that emphasizes the need for a child to submit and repent before spanking ceases. Yes, Pearl says not to be abusive. However, for strong willed children, repentance may not come. Some children may not ever, in a spanking session, submit.

When my son was 18 months old, he learned to jump out of his crib and I decided to train him to stay in his new toddler bed. I put him to bed and kissed him goodnight and closed the door. He got up. He received a swat. I put him down. This went on for a while. He wasn’t “getting” it. He wasn’t repenting. He knew I wanted him in bed. He didn’t want to obey. He was absolutely “out of sorts” and I knew he’d had enough. I looked at his sweet little face, picked him up and took him to my rocker. We sang and cuddled. I told him I was sorry for being harsh and he fell asleep on my chest. The next night I put him down and he got up. His room was childproof. I told him goodnight and later found him asleep in his closet. He received no spanks. The third night he just crawled up on his bed and went to sleep. I didn’t win. He did. However, in the end, we both did! I now wish I’d never even tried to win. Nathan was not submitting or repenting and it did not appear he was anywhere close to doing so when I discontinued his “training.” The story of Sean Paddock comes to mind and it grieves me. Like my son, this little boy continued to get out of bed. His parents wrapped him so tightly that he suffocated. The Pearls, nowhere in their writing, suggest wrapping a child so tightly suffocation occurs. They do recommend “winning,” and being consistent. My guess is that Sean’s parents were trying to be consistent and yet discontinue spankings, not kill their son. The consequence in this case was horrifying and heartbreaking.

3. The Pearl Way Works!

The Pearls make countless claims in TTUAC that following their training methods always works. In rereading this book, there is very little mention of the role of prayer while in the midst of a training session. As a matter of fact, in the 109 – page book, I saw only one reference to prayer while training and it was not in the context of praying for wisdom in parenting but rather asking the Lord to use the rod to do its job:

(page 46) “When the time comes to apply the rod, take a deep breath, relax and pray, “Lord, make this a valuable learning session. Cleanse my child of ill-temper and rebellion. May I properly represent your cause in this matter.”

I believe this omission of prayer is one of the most dangerous aspects of TTUAC. The Lord may at any time lead parents to parent differently than a manual suggests. The Pearls present child training with a common sense approach: The child does this… the parent does this. When a child rebels…  the parent spanks. If a parent is consistent and uses the rod like this… children will behave beautifully. It sounds simple. However, parenting is complex. There is not a formula to raising well-behaved children. Sometimes the Lord may lead us to extend grace even to a rebellious child. Sometimes spanking is the wrong tool. I know the Pearls are not against prayer, but a book that ignores its role in a discipline or training session bothers me.

There is much said in TTUAC about the mother who is driven by her emotions and that not being a beneficial parenting trait.

(page 37) “The pitiful look of betrayal in his poor little eyes just breaks her suffering heart. It would hurt her too much to obey God in training up her child. Because of her fear of personal emotional suffering, she neglects the rod… To set aside one’s own feelings for the purpose of objectivity regarding the good of the child is the only true love. If a mother should smother her baby while kissing him, she has not loved him.”

I agree that emotional parenting isn’t a positive thing. However, Mr. Pearl is not a mother. This is a statement of the obvious but I think is important to remember when reading any book that involves motherhood as well as fatherhood. God put in mothers a sixth sense when it comes to caring for babies and children. Sometimes that sixth sense tells us to intervene or “give in.” The Holy Spirit speaks to mothers through our nurturing instincts. These instincts are God-given and while they can lead us astray, do not always! A practical husband may not understand and may view us as weak when in fact we are responding exactly how God has wired us.  I believe this is one reason Titus 2 tells women to teach other women how to love children. While TTUAC is co-authored by Debi Pearl, this portion is written from Mr. Pearl’s perspective..

I am not advocating arguing with husbands. I am not advocating giving into your child’s every whimper. I am not advocating being characterized by inconsistency! I am saying that always denying a mother the privilege of comforting her crying baby when training can be damaging. Sometimes, yes, it is necessary but there are no rules here. Husbands and wives sometimes need to pray for wisdom together while training. The following explains my point:

Eventually, we have had to train all of our children to sleep through the night. This has never involved spankings in the Jobe house but it has involved some amount of “crying it out.” When it comes time for this training, my husband takes the lead because I absolutely cannot check on my sweet babies without comforting (nursing) them. He puts them down and when they awaken, he puts them back to sleep. Usually they protest because they want me. However, after a night or two the nursing-in-the-middle-of-the-night habit is broken and we are all sleeping better. Our 5th child, however, took longer than a night or two. On her third night of sleep training, she cried for about an hour. I told Daniel I felt like I needed to go to her. Daniel reminded me (being practical) that we might “undo” two nights of training. However, I had “that feeling.” We prayed and Daniel agreed that I should tend to Sarah. I am so very thankful that Daniel and I sought the Lord instead of Michael Pearl! Sarah had no symptoms other than crying – no fever, tugging at her ears, or loss of appetite. However, two days later, at a wellness check up, we were informed she had double ear infections!

In our parenting journey there is no doubt that we will make mistakes. However, asking the Lord for guidance is sure to prevent some of them! The Pearl child training methods may work. Some of it is Biblical and does work. However, the claim that perfect training always works is misleading and can cause a parent to feel inadequate or incompetent when promised results aren’t apparent. It also can encourage a mother to ignore the Holy Spirit prompting her to “make an exception.”

My Conclusion:

Much of TTUAC speaks of honorable and wonderful things – relationships, love, and well-behaved children. However, without the Holy Spirit, this book could be very dangerous.  Imagine an impressionable mom, looking for parenting advice that works. Her children are out of control and she desires more than anything to train them in righteousness. She must be consistent. She must chastise until her child is submissive. She doesn’t trust her intuition. She consults TTUAC when conflicted instead of praying for guidance. It is possible to physically abuse a child and not be angry, especially if you feel you are doing it for his good. Yes, Pearl warns not to “cross the line.” However, with so much emphasis on the need for consistency in training, that bit of advice could easily be forgotten during a discipline session.

Please read this from an acquaintance of Lydia’s family.

Article from WORLD Magazine.

Over a decade ago, I turned to TTUAC because I needed help with training and consistency. The book did help me in these areas. Upon reflection, however, I realize I was adversely affected by the same teachings that had some positive results. With each parenting memory I’ve described, there was an internal struggle. I felt “wrong” for rocking my son when he refused to sleep in his bed. However, I know the Lord led me to comfort him. My husband and I felt conflicted when sleep training our baby. Yet we later realized the Holy Spirit was leading us. Sadly, through my TTUAC reflections, many memories were brought to mind where I was too harsh and failed to parent with the grace my children needed.

TTUAC does contain potentially dangerous information. At least two children have died at the hands of misled parents who went too far. It grieves me to consider how many more have likely been physically abused or even just denied the comfort of a mother’s loving arms. While I do not think Michael Pearl intends for his teachings to lead to abuse, I can clearly see how reading TTUAC could influence parents to sin or at least exasperate their children. I am not calling for a Pearl book burning. I do still believe that Christians should “chew the meat and spit out the bones” with any resource. Doing so, however, requires wisdom. So many parents who seek parenting advice are young, inexperienced and lack discernment. (I know I was!) Seasoned parents should direct young parents to resources that emphasize the need to pray for wisdom continually and are written in a gracious manner. This is a response Pearl wrote to his critics. I do not know when he wrote it or the circumstances behind it. I do know it is this tone that has kept me from readily recommending his materials over the years. I do think this writing style is not necessarily representative of his heart. However, an inquiring mother would be better off reading encouraging and edifying resources that leave her inspired to discipline her children in righteousness – not afraid of failing in consistency, convinced she must chastise until repentance or condemned for acting upon her God-given desire to show mercy toward her babies.

“A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.” Proverbs 25:11

There are many Christian parenting resources that, while not perfect, are written without the authoritative tone of TTUAC. Consistency is emphasized but not more so than prayer, grace and gentleness. My all time favorite is The Mission of Motherhood by Sally Clarkson.

Blessings to you as you parent your children and train them in righteousness.

My son has been talking about Lego Mindstorms for quite a while and I have been ignoring him. I love Legos and think they are possibly the greatest invention for little boys ever… and I have invested in quite a few, but I just didn’t want to do the Mindstorm thing because they are extremely pricey.

When Nathan decides he would like to own something, he is persistent. Over the past few months, I’ve heard nearly daily one of the following questions/comments…

“Mom, how do you think I could earn money?”

“Do you think ebay might be a cheaper place to get some Mindstorms?”

“Mom, sometimes I wish I had harder stuff to build. Ya know… challenging stuff.”

“Mom, have you ever built a robot? I think that would be really cool.”

“Do you think that if I didn’t get anything else for both my birthday and Christmas and everyone went in together, I could get some Mindstorms?”

It became apparent that  ignoring my child and hoping his Mindstorm fixation would pass was a failing strategy. Finally Daniel and I told Nathan that he just would not be getting Mindstorm Legos. They weren’t in the budget. We didn’t ask him to pray about it because honestly, we didn’t really want to pursue finding them cheaper, saving for them or organizing a “let’s get Nathan Mindstorms for his birthday” campaign. Sometimes it’s ok to just say no.

Last week, Eric, a 16 year old great guy and friend of ours, e-mailed Daniel and asked if it would be ok if he gave Nathan his Mindstorm Lego set. Daniel spoke with Eric’s parents and was told that Eric felt led to give and they wanted to encourage that. They felt like it was a God thing. Humbly, we accepted this nice gift for our son.

Nathan is overwhelmed with appreciation. He is enjoying his new Legos and has spent about 8 hours today building a motorized car. I have never seen him so happy when his invention actually worked. He was stunned. “Mom, I just took an online tutorial and it’s so neat to actually HAVE all these cool pieces!”

“Nathan,” I asked my son, “Did you pray about getting those Legos?” His response was, “Yes, Mom. I prayed a lot and God answered my prayer.” With tears in his eyes he could hardly answer my question.

Now, I am overjoyed… and not because Nathan has a new toy. His life has been spiritually influenced by a young man who is sensitive to the Lord’s leading. Nathan wants to be a giver, like Eric. He also knows that God not only cares about our needs, but He also cares about some of our wants.

Next time maybe I’ll be a little braver when my child wants what seems unattainable and suggest, “Well, let’s just pray about that.” (even if it’s Legos!)

“It is more blessed to give than to receive.” Acts 20:35

Thank you, Lord for young men like Eric who are willing to listen to your gentle leading and bless others. You can use any and everything for your glory – even Legos! I thank you for providing Mindstorms for Nathan, and I thank you even more for the influence of Eric’s godly character in Nathan’s life.

http://www.tina.thejobes.com

We have a little yorkie named Tanner and we just love him. He has many wonderful qualities but the fact that his hair grows quickly and needs grooming is not one of them. I remember when we were trying to decide on a dog breed, considering the grooming costs. Ideally, I wanted a dog that didn’t need grooming which certainly would rule out a yorkie. However, when we were in the puppy market and my in-laws told us about the most adorable yorkie puppies from “a good Christian family” we were completely sold. “I’ll just learn to groom him, myself,” I thought.

I learned pretty quickly that dog grooming is not a hidden talent of mine. After helping me wrangle our tiny 6 lb puppy for two hours, my husband, exasperated, told me to please call and schedule a beauty appointment for our dog the next time he was shaggy. So I did. Every 8 weeks for two years I forked out $40 for our little dog to look handsome. I know my frugal friends are shaking their heads. Believe me, paying more for my dog’s haircuts than mine was terribly painful. However, so was torturing him with the clippers. The poor thing would shake, snap and sulk. Seriously… the home grooming sessions were traumatizing for both of us.

So – how do I get my doggy’s do done free? Christina, my almost 13 year old daughter, is the dog whisperer. The clippers I originally used were an old set of my husbands. Christina requested a pet set and I decided, after two years of beauty salon appointments, to buy a new set and see if my daughter could do a better job than I. The answer is yes!  In 30 minutes this afternoon, my daughter  gave our doggy a new do. It looks fantastic!

My Frugal Fridays tip is not to just clip your pet’s hair at home though this definitely saves money. My tip is to believe in your children. Give them tools. Encourage them to learn new skills. As my children are growing and maturing, I am blessed to see their God-given gifts develop. What a joy to see them learn things that I haven’t taught them! This could go places! I can see free cake decorating, sewing, landscaping, medical advice and who knows what else in my future! For now, however, I’m appreciative of Tanner’s new do!

For more Frugal Friday tips see Life As Mom